driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
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(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Who does Amazon think I am?
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.