I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
You Might Also Like
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days