I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
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Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now