Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
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If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Milk Cube
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.