Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
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He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.