I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
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Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
no their not
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin