A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
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Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
…u ok Nintendo?
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.