Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
You Might Also Like
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”