Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
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Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*