I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
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Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.