People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
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interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Potatoes were such a good idea
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.