[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
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The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
#dnd #ttrpg
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
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