There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
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Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?