Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
You Might Also Like
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
m’lady
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
me hooking up with my ex
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
the three branches of government
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake