I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
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What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Why font matters.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me