My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
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I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Breaking news:
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.