Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
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My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.