*cough*
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Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
umm…
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me