Girl, same.
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[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.