Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
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Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Covid like
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Unexpected Judgment
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
he’s sick of your bullshit today
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh