My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
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You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
girls literally only want one thing..
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months