If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
You Might Also Like
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
The French cow says MEUX…
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead