I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
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At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.