I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
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DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
welp
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth