crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
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I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.