waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
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Look at this
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Meat Cute
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?