I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
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Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don鈥檛 want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you鈥檙e calling me?
Me: haha no… i鈥檓 stuck in the chimney
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Daughter: Before the internet how鈥檇 you get anything done?!
Me: I don鈥檛 remember honey. Google it.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
my fianc茅 and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we鈥檙e going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don鈥檛 have kids
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.