You are what you delete.
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you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Mmmm canned fish.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.