Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
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[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything