you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
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well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
do horses think humans are hats
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy