Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
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people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas