me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
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i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Well, that didn’t work.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips