Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
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Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.