P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
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“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet