Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
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Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
do what now??
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you