I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
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My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Proctology is located in A55
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD