Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
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TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
I’m sure it’s fine.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.