The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
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Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials