Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
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Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
This why you should mind your business
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
I’m pretty like a car crash.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.