King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
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how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
I really had high hopes for this year though
i think we should see other cousins
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
wtf is a larm clock?
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.