So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
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Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.