bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
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My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
had to make it
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda