Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
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And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping