Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
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It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha