ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
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If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.