Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
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Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Google reviews are always so mixed..
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Beware of the dog..
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.