wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
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First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most