Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
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Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
there has never been a better use of this meme
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”