Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
You Might Also Like
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
sliding into dms like
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?