It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
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I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
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Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.